I did a thing. Sorry mama.
Last month my best friend Keshia who is also a great photographer in our area, did a special photo shoot as a birthday gift to me.
Disclaimer: Contrary to popular belief, I HATE other people taking pictures of me. Friends have gotten only a tiny glimpse of this. I get really insecure because ANGLES and I start sweating then…
We did a boudoir-esque birthday shoot.
This was my attempt at getting my sexy back after 2 kids and feel liberated and confident post divorce. She did an AMAZING job and I was so nervous, but we made it work! I got the pictures back, friends loved it, they truly are great….and…I still found ways to pick myself apart. Bad habit. My worst habit.
I have always been pretty self conscious about my body. I have huge feet (pray for my kids). I grew up being the tallest female throughout most of my schooling but eventually grew to embrace and love my height. When I was much thinner, I still thought I was fat. Now I’m a little fluffy and can’t see past that. I honestly think my face is shaped a little like a chocolate egg now. My hair is falling out and so I occasionally refer to myself as Cletus. I also really can’t stand how my…
See? Issa problem.
I follow a lot of pages geared towards fitness and overall body positivity so that I can try to appreciate where I am currently in this walk of life and love this here body. Has it worked? Hahahahaha.
No. Not quite yet.
Feeling comfortable in your own skin is a deeply personal journey. For me, seeing those pages is motivation for a fleeting moment.
“YASSSS. Love this body. It’s made LIFE. Stretch marks are your battle scars. Someone will love you just the way you are. Love yourself first. You are amazing!”
These things are valid and true, but until you put in that inner work, those words mean nothing. A genuine compliment someone gives you will feel like a total lie. I’ve come to grips that this will be so much harder than imagined. It’s more than just saying words that sound good and uplifting. It’s working towards being a person you love physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
One of my cousins told me earlier this year “Love yourself. Truly.”
Wait, what? Love myself for real for real? Not just social media for real? Not Snapchat filter for real? Get. Out.
It rings in my ears and has stuck in the back of my mind ever since.
Figuring out exactly how to manifest this real self love has been my goal and will continue to be. I believe we all struggle with our image/bodies in different ways and how we overcome those struggles will also be very different.
So next time I step in front of a camera half naked, I’m probably still not going to be comfortable, BUT I’ll be more in love with my real self and my body than the last time.
Love yourself. Truly.
*queues Beyoncé “Freedom”/kicks water*